Matchamonkey

Once, while waiting for a train in Japan, I noticed the sound of birds chirping. "My, that's odd," I thought to myself. "I've never heard a bird chirping while walking outside in Japan. It must be because they've all chosen to congregate inside the train station. I guess when you don't have trees, this is the next best thing." After a while. I noticed that the singing did not vary in any way... the pitch, volume and melody were constant. Of course! It was merely being played though the speakers. There were no actual birds.

More recently, I was shopping for groceries in France. While in the produce section, I noticed that my thoughts were drowned out by the sounds of the rain forest. More specifically, it sounded like a large bird of prey was attacking a spider monkey. Not one to be fulled twice, I knew there were no actual birds or monkeys in the store. By the way, is there some research that shows that sounds of nature make people want to spend more money? Because personally, it kind of made me want to duck and run for cover. I didn't know who that bird was coming for after it got done with the monkey.

After living abroad for almost 4 years, 3 of them in Japan, I assume any nature that I see or hear is contrived and fake in some way. Bird songs are taped, trees occur only in neat rows.

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: if you leave America and then come back after a couple of years abroad, things that you may have never noticed before become very apparent. You've seen me gush about the amount of green in America, for example. Recently I've become aware of the rampant consumerism promoted on American TV. Now I'm sure these observations are by no means ground breaking, but I like to point out absurdity wherever it lurks.

One of the first commercials I saw after returning from France was for KFC's Chicken and Biscuit Bowl, a concoction consisting of fried chicken, cheese, corn, gravy, and a biscuit all served on a bed of mashed potatoes.

Imagine the horror this image caused a person accustomed to dining on only the finest French cheese and wine. I am amazed that companies can get away with marketing such blatantly unhealthy food. The sad part is, this doesn't even come close to the unhealthiest food being marketed these days (see also the Wendy's Baconator or McDonalds Deluxe Breakfast).

I have to say that my favorite fast food campaign, the one that I really love to hate, is Taco Bell's "Fourthmeal." Yes, Taco Bell, in its infinite wisdom, has decided that 3 meals a day just isn't enough for today's active American; what is needed is a "fourthmeal" between dinner and breakfast. Many Taco Bells are open until 2 or 3AM to provide more people with their much needed "fourthmeal." Let me tell you something--I've seen a lot of Americans in my day, and the last thing most of them need is a midnight snack consisting of fried "Mexican" food.

Fast food companies aren't the only ones trying to sell us things we don't need that may actually be more harmful than helpful. The other big offender is--you guessed it--drug companies. Recently, a drug to combat RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome for the uninitiated) has been introduced and marketed on TV. Feel free to disagree with me, but as a "sufferer" of RLS I can say that it's not something I've ever felt the need to cure. In fact, a nurse once told me that the leg shaking caused by RLS was a way for the body to expend excess calories, something it would probably need to do after a Fourthmeal or Chicken and Biscuit Bowl.

On a recent commercial, I noticed some alarming side effects for this drug: "Side effects may include dry mouth, ..., increased urges to gamble, and increased sexual urges." Now I ask you, which is worse: having a leg that shakes from time to time or being a compulsive gambler? I imagine the conversation would go something like this:

"Hey Jim, how's your RLS?"

"Thanks for asking, Bob. This new drug I'm taking is really doing the trick. My leg no longer shakes and I no longer have that creepy-crawly feeling in my legs."

"That's great to hear."

"Yeah, the only problem is, I now have a compulsive urge to gamble. Can't quite seem to control it. Funny story actually--I went to Vegas last weekend and lost my family's savings. My wife is threatening to leave me."

"Because of the gambling?"

"Well that certainly doesn't help, but she's more concerned about the sex addiction I've developed. Ever since I started taking this drug, I can't seem to suppress my desire to have sex with strangers. I joined a group, but so far it's proving impossible to control, especially with my weekly visits to Vegas."

"Well, I'm sorry to hear that Jim, but at least your leg doesn't shake anymore."

"Amen to that."