Matchamonkey

I am addicted to coffee. Tempting me everyday, there is a drive-thru Starbucks on the way to work. Usually I'm running too late to stop, but this morning I was actually running early for once. I decided to allow myself this one little treat to get me through the day.

I clutched my coffee in my hands during the morning meeting. My reasons were two-fold--I was trying to warm my hands while hiding from the other teachers what I was holding. The Japanese are a very inquisitive people, especially when it comes to what foreigners eat and drink. I used to bring a Nalgene bottle filled with water to school and set it on my desk. Even though the bottle clearly contained water, everyone, teachers and students, felt the need to stop and ask me what was in my bottle. Though it was tempting to fill it with sake, it always contained water--what I would logically guess to be in a clear container. Anyway, I knew that if they saw too much of my coffee, it would be all over the school in no time. Not that there's anything wrong with drinking Starbucks coffee, I just didn't see a need for it to be the talk of the school.

One man stopped and asked me what I was holding. I quietly revealed the logo on the cup thinking that this would answer all questions. He gave me an inquisitive look.

"It's coffee," I explained. "From Starbucks."

"Ohhh."

Later in the day, I ran into him again.

As often as the words "I hate Japan" leave my mouth, it's easy to start wondering just what I'm doing here. As previously stated, it's partly because I've become attached to my captors, but that's not the whole explanation. As P put it yesterday, it's about the surface needs and deeper needs.

Japan is very good at making people content on the suface. Everything that surrounds me in my room or at school is decorated with a cute character. As P said matter of factly yesterday, "I mean, how many times a day do I use cute stationery? It's a lot more than the number of times I worry about my freedom." In Japan, we're constantly high on cuteness. There was a study released recently which reported that looking at cute things stimulates the same place in your brain as drugs, alcohol and chocolate do. I think that goes a long way in explaining my current situation.

On the other hand, many of the weightier things that people need to feel fulfilled and satisfied are missing or denied us. For example, it is difficult to stand up for yourself if you are unhappy with a situation. It may be for any number of reasons, from lack of linguistic ability to the fact that your concerns are not taken seriously because you are not considered a part of society. When asking my BOE for help furnishing my apartment (this is done for most JETs anyway), I faced both of these obstacles. I had someone translate a letter for me, but in the end it didn't matter that I was able to communicate in Japanese. The fact of the matter was that I was at the bottom of their list of things to be taken care of because I was only temporary (foreign) employee.

A friend asked me the other night if there was anyting I would miss about Japan when I left. The answer is, of course, yes. There are tons of things. At least some of them are tangible things, so I have a chance of getting them sent to me once I return to the real world. So without further ado, a list (in no particular order) of things about Japan that I will miss.

Once, while waiting for a train in Japan, I noticed the sound of birds chirping. "My, that's odd," I thought to myself. "I've never heard a bird chirping while walking outside in Japan. It must be because they've all chosen to congregate inside the train station. I guess when you don't have trees, this is the next best thing." After a while. I noticed that the singing did not vary in any way... the pitch, volume and melody were constant. Of course! It was merely being played though the speakers. There were no actual birds.

More recently, I was shopping for groceries in France. While in the produce section, I noticed that my thoughts were drowned out by the sounds of the rain forest. More specifically, it sounded like a large bird of prey was attacking a spider monkey. Not one to be fulled twice, I knew there were no actual birds or monkeys in the store. By the way, is there some research that shows that sounds of nature make people want to spend more money? Because personally, it kind of made me want to duck and run for cover. I didn't know who that bird was coming for after it got done with the monkey.

After living abroad for almost 4 years, 3 of them in Japan, I assume any nature that I see or hear is contrived and fake in some way. Bird songs are taped, trees occur only in neat rows.

I was concerned that when I moved back to the United States, I would no longer have anything to write about on the blog, that I would have to resign myself to writing my memoirs of Japan and France. Oh how the events of last week proved me wrong.

Living where I do, there's basically no work available for a trilingual monkey expert, so I have had to look for work that I am, shall we say, overqualified for. The sad part is, I am usually rejected from such jobs. Last Sunday, I perused the classified for jobs that someone might possibly hire me for. There was one ad for temporary work to help stock a new store--Bed Bath & Beyond--opening soon in my town.

They were doing the hiring en masse at a hotel in town. So I went to the hotel at the appointed time and joined about 15 other people filling out applications in a small conference room. The application was normal enough; and when I turned it in, I was given a survey to fill out. At first, I thought nothing of it, figuring it to be a survey about the interview process or the company itself. But as I opened it up, I realized it was a survey of a completely different nature. It was a multiple choice and true/false morality quiz.

I hope my readers can appreciate the utter absurdity of having a morality quiz; for, as anyone who does well on tests can tell you, you have to mark what you think the teacher wants you to mark and not what you feel is the correct answer. It's all a game to score the most points. This is only the absurdity inherent in the test, however, and it does not compete with the absurdity of most of the questions.Most of the questions centered unsurprisingly on shoplifting and taking from one's company. They problem was that these accounted for 2/3 of the questions and the same thing was asked over and over.

Here is a sampling of the questions from the multiple choice portion of the quiz:

I have shoplifted in the last week.

A. Definitely true.
B. Somewhat true.
C. Somewhat false.
D. Definitely false.

So far, so good...

I believe all adults shoplift from time to time.

A. Definitely true.
B. Somewhat true.
C. Somewhat false.
D. Definitely false.

My friends shoplift.

A. Definitely true.
B. Somewhat true.
C. Somewhat false.
D. Definitely false.

I believe it's ok to use a company phone for personal calls.

A. Definitely true.
B. Somewhat true.
C. Somewhat false.
D. Definitely false.

I believe it's ok to do something illegal on my lunch break.

A. Definitely true.
B. Somewhat true.
C. Somewhat false.
D. Definitely false.

I believe it's ok to drink on the job as long as it doesn't affect my performance.

A. Definitely true.
B. Somewhat true.
C. Somewhat false.
D. Definitely false.

And my personal favorite on the multiple choice:

Would you lie to get ahead?

A. Definitely true.
B. Somewhat true.
C. Somewhat false.
D. Definitely false.

I love this question because if you think about it, there is only one possible answer. Either you don't lie to get ahead and don't think it's ok, in which case you mark D. Or, you do lie to get ahead, but don't want to admit that to a prospective employer because it will keep you from getting hired, in which case you mark D. It's a self-fulfilling question.

The test got a little tedious after a while (there were 80 questions like that), but at least it was clear what answer you were supposed to put. On the true false section, things became a little less clear.

True or False? A main cause of people stealing is the social condition of the individual and not the individual himself.

Dear test makers, I believe this question is slightly out of the scope of the true/false format. I am pretty sure that politicians, religious leaders, psychologists and sociologists have spent many years researching and debating this issue. I was not prepared to declare it definitively true or false today, without warning.

True or False? Living on the streets requires that you take what you can and not worry about anyone else.

I'm sorry, test makers, but I have not lived on the streets and therefore cannot answer this question. The only thing I know about life on the streets is that I would most certainly not survive.

True or False? I believe life has been unfair to me.

At this point, I could barely contain my laughter, but decided it was best not to openly mock a morality quiz, so I held it in as much as possible. I had not expected to face such harsh questions about my life, and in true-false format.

I finished the quiz and turned it in. Eventually I was called for my interview, where I pleaded for a job like I never had before. The result? No call-back. Either I'm not qualified to stock shelves or I'm just not moral enough.